Relating and helping
Last week, I was sitting in Starbucks reading when the tables closest to me started filling up with young children. There were a total of three women with six children between them. One of the women was holding a baby. Another tried to get her oldest child (who was maybe four years old) to stand in line while they got the other kids settled. Brief fits of crying and whining started but never lasted for too long. People around us (most were working on laptops) begin to get noticeably restless and some started leaving. Every single child in the group was ridiculously cute and simultaneously obnoxious.
For a moment I considered leaving too. I’d read enough already. Then all the sudden I felt a feeling of freedom take over me. I realized that I could get up right then and go to bathroom. Nobody would follow me. No little voices would call my name or demand their needs be met first. I didn’t have to watch nor entertain anyone. I could leave the store all together without putting anyone in a car seat. I could leave without looking for things that may have been thrown on the floor. I could leave without asking for hot water to sanitize a pacifier or heat a bottle.
I couldn’t shake how I was both feeling sensitive to them and feeling grateful that my children are older, now 10 and 12. If my sons were with me they wouldn’t be interrupting anything. I could still read. They would probably be occupied with staring at my oldest son’s cell phone. I was acutely aware of the difference between their experiences with young children and mine with older children.
Then one of the moms says to me. “You can’t read through this can you?” And before I answer another Mom says “I miss reading”. And I totally get what she means because I’ve been there. I know what it feels like to be in their places. I know what it feels like to “miss reading”. So their struggles are real to me. I can see myself in them. And it makes me want to be kind. But most importantly, I noticed how strongly I desired to help them. How much I wanted to go get napkins for them or how much I wanted to help entertain the kids.
This week I’d love to discuss with you the following questions. We can do this through WordPress, Facebook, email or in person. But I’d like your perspective on one or all of the following questions:
- Is it possible to truly relate to a struggle you (or someone you love) have not personally experienced?
- Are you likely to commit most of your time and resources to addressing issues you can relate to?
- Are you more effective at helping when you’ve personally been touched by the hardship?
- Does your faith or spirituality call you to serve beyond what you can relate to?
I don’t know if there are any right answers here, but it’s worth discussing.
What do you think?
“The day the power of love overrules the love of power, the world will know peace.”
Whether you look forward to Valentine’s Day or despise it, I’m sure we can all agree that the world would benefit from more attention on love (and not just the romantic kind). Below is the list of 100 simple, loving, compassionate and gratitude-inspiring actions you can start checking off immediately.
Share the love!
100 Ways to Love on the World
- Send encouragement to someone caring for an aging parent.
- Donate coats and blankets you won’t use often.
- Get to know someone on a deeper level. Who did they love? What did they lose? What matters most to them?
- Enrich a livelihood. Donate to fund a microloan to help people in other parts of the world increase their earning potential.
- Marvel in the power of human expression. Buy tickets to music, dance and other live performances.
- Make an effort to use both sides of your paper.
- Laugh long and hard. Laugh loud enough for others to hear you.
- Plant something and watch it grow.
- Buy art that moves you and says things words can’t.
- Donate batteries to keep lifesaving appliances and smoke detectors working.
- Shop kindly. Choose to shop from companies that donate a portion of their proceeds to charity.
- Say no. Knowing you can set limits will give you the confidence to serve more.
- Join a bone marrow registry.
- Raise your awareness of the employee working conditions at the companies you support.
- Help them live the dream and share their art. Dine at chef-owned restaurants.
- Tip generously.
- Advocate for a minimum living wage in your community.
- Put a Band-Aid in your wallet to give away when needed.
- Text someone a specific compliment. (e.g. “I admire how much patience you have with me.”)
- Learn the warning signs of suicide and take them seriously.
- Buy local produce.
- Hear gossip and refuse to spread it.
- Adopt your next furry family member at a rescue or shelter.
- Plant a passion for service in a child’s heart.
- Keep the craft growing. Support new and independent artists.
- Choose books that broaden your view of the world.
- Shovel your neighbor’s walkway.
- Donate your old computer to a school.
- Offer your home repair skills to the elderly, ill or a military family.
- Learn CPR.
- Register to be an organ donor.
- Be a designated driver.
- Choose to shop at small businesses more often.
- Be bold enough to ask for help. Let someone else experience the gift of giving.
- Make a small change to conserve energy such as not pre-heating your oven or opening it while food cooks.
- Be a connector. Introduce two people with mutual interests or career pursuits.
- Multiply the impact of your donations by joining a giving circle.
- Share a meal with someone you love.
- Brighten a teacher’s day. Send in an unsolicited treat or thank you.
- Treat your spouse to an unexpected display of passion.
- Do online research about the distinction between charity and philanthropy.
- Encourage someone to share their faith with you in a place where it is normally kept quiet (work, school, etc).
- Grant someone the freedom to parent differently than you without judgment.
- Bring a neighbor an unexpected gift.
- Register to vote or correct your voting information.
- Offer an elderly pet owner peace of mind by suggesting you care for their beloved pet whenever they are unable.
- Choose to share something shameful or painful in your past if it will help another feel less alone.
- Rally around an acquaintance going through a difficult time. Sometimes it’s the most unexpected acts of love that touch us the most.
- Act! Move beyond sympathetic thoughts. Vow to do one small thing (donate, advocate, etc.) to address a world problem that seems hopeless.
- Give someone the freedom to live an unconventional life and still be accepted.
- Donate school supplies.
- Offer support to a grieving soul long after the funeral.
- Share a piece of wisdom that only comes with age.
- Make a call and check on an elderly family member.
- Create a disaster plan for your family.
- Give someone a gift you made yourself.
- Take a walk with a loved one. It serves the body and soul.
- Drive cautiously and without distractions.
- Admit you’re biased. We all are. Facing that we have biases (racial, class, religion, etc) helps us to better address our issues and to serve more sincerely.
- Loan someone a book you love.
- Don’t let it sit in a drawer. Give your old cell phone and chargers away or donate them to a charity.
- Treat a pet with kindness and respect.
- Make a small change to conserve water such as not prewashing your dishes before using the dishwasher.
- Donate suitcases to foster children.
- Share public service information (traffic detours, power outages, flood warnings etc.) via social media.
- Turn off and unplug electronics you aren’t using.
- Pick up trash that wasn’t properly discarded.
- Give someone more credit than they deserve.
- Believe someone’s dream is possible. And tell them. They need the support.
- Fight indifference and don’t look away. Let yourself feel sadness when you see a homeless person.
- Tell someone you forgive them. And mean it.
- Contact an elected official via social media to quickly advocate for a global or domestic cause you believe in.
- Call someone you usually text and tell them you just wanted to hear their voice.
- Pick up an extra item or two from the grocery store to donate to your local food bank.
- Make a small online donation to a global, domestic or community nonprofit with a mission you believe in.
- Practice empathy. Take a few minutes and imagine the struggles of someone you know.
- Listen carefully. People yearn to be heard and understood.
- Thank a healthcare provider for their service.
- Tell someone a joke.
- Save someone from a work conversation they aren’t enjoying. “I hate to interrupt, but can I borrow you for two minutes.”
- Actually take your reusable bags into the store with you.
- Actually take your reusable cup into Starbucks with you.
- Pray for someone.
- Teach someone something. Anything.
- Get or stay committed to a recycling program
- Give someone you love your undivided attention.
- Hold a door open and wait while multiple people pass through.
- Take time to write a supportive comment to someone on Facebook.
- Hug someone.
- Share any online article that raises awareness of a service need.
- Let that busy person behind you go ahead of you in line.
- Leave change in a candy machine.
- Pay the toll for the person behind you.
- Thank a solider for their service.
- Discuss with a younger relative a piece of your family history.
- Cheer loudly for someone else’s kid.
- Give away an extra umbrella on a rainy day.
- Keep your brain sharp and body strong. Serve on!
- Share this post and spread the love around.
- If you love them, tell them.
What am I missing?
“There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.”
After last week’s post (The privilege to live without open wounds), I had the following exchange with a reader who gave me permission to share it below. I think it speaks to the journey we are going on together and the discussion I hope you will join into.
“Living with open wounds”…as with most things, often a lot of grey area in that. Totally get that in the article you do not mean to address a certain level of trauma. “I’m not talking about people that had tough romantic breakups or are dealing with the unfortunate but predictable sadness that life can bring.” For many people things can be clearly categorized. Upon first glance I would fall into the privileged category…I am hardly the first to be divorced after a long marriage, have parents deceased, had someone die in his arms, etc. And I do consider myself privileged. But my oldest daughter is MR (the term Du Jour is Intellectual Disability). Make no mistake, I do feel blessed to have her! But I see the things she will never have in her life, the things that for some reason were determined for her before she had a chance to have a say about anything in her life. Because my love for my child is endless, it forever shock my faith in God … why did he allow this with my sweet little innocent? Please, I am not looking for spiritual or religious advice…been there, done that, still doing that, it is a constant in my spiritual life. But I do consider it “Living with an open wound” because if you love someone impacted in such a way, it is a constant tear at the heart. Again, I feel privileged in other aspects in my life, and I feel blessed to have her as my daughter. I just bring this up to point out that this discussion can have multiple layers within multiple layers. Wounds can leave “gaping wounds in the heart and psyche” and “derail your potential” in subtle ways. They can drag you down or serve as motivators. And they can do both at the same time! Definitely a thought provoking topic.
Thanks for this thoughtful comment. I had to give the post a title, but I realize that people have wounds of all kinds. In this case, I was speaking specifically of the wounds that come from dramatic trauma that usually includes violence of some kind. But really my point is that we all have painful disadvantages in life. Suffering is not trivial no matter what caused it. You make that point eloquently and I certainly can see where you struggle with things that many (to include me) do not. But there’s something powerful about considering the pain that you/we DON’T have. Often we are so consumed with the pain we DO have that we don’t give the emotional energy needed to let others pain in. We may feel we don’t owe the world anything because we’re still suffering too. I think it is worth trying to feel more despite the pain that is uniquely ours. Because until we can care about what goes on with our brothers, we won’t really care enough to help them. So that’s my point with these posts. But know that I am sending you extra love and am grateful for your ability to engage in these kinds of conversations.
What does “privilege” mean to you? Are you privileged?
“What separates privilege from entitlement is gratitude.”
Has life been kind to you? Are you privileged? If so, in what ways and by how much? Do your disadvantages in life outweigh your advantages? Are they about even? Are you more advantaged than disadvantaged?
How you answer these questions has a direct link with your level of gratitude, happiness and purpose. So these are not small questions. These are big questions. They are arguably the most important questions you will ever answer. Which is why I want us to take our time and explore them together.
Over the next several weeks, we’ll discuss the topic of privilege. Especially the question of “how much privilege do you have?” At times you may realize that you have a disadvantage that many others don’t have. But you probably knew that already. We tend to be pretty good at seeing where life has been unfair to us. Yet at other times, I hope you’ll see your advantages in a new light. I hope you will pause to see that despite your hardships there are many circumstances where you are privileged. And I hope you will start wondering why you’ve been so blessed.
First a disclaimer, often when the topic of “privilege” is discussed it is applied to the privileges granted to certain groups by racial or socioeconomic factors. We will not be using the word in this way. Instead, we will be going a layer (or two) below that to draw out what your privileges actually mean in terms of your daily experiences and your life options. Today we will explore the privilege to live without open wounds.
Living without open wounds
I decided to start with this privilege because there are very large groups on both sides of this coin. There are many people living with the open wounds of trauma. People that literally can’t fall asleep or start their day without replaying memories of how the bomb destroyed their house and killed their family. Perhaps, they can’t forget the day they were raped or forced to commit murder. Maybe they aren’t able to make it out of bed today because of PTSD or deep bouts of depression. In this case, I’m not talking about people that had tough romantic breakups or are dealing with the unfortunate but predictable sadness that life can bring. I’m talking about major trauma and suffering that leaves gaping wounds in the heart and psyche. Wounds that stunt your growth as a person, derail your potential and make simply functioning and appearing normal the goal of every day.
Is this you?
If so, know that I’m praying for you. Know that I believe in a God of healing and recovery.
Is this NOT you?
It’s not me. And that’s a privilege. It’s a privilege that makes no sense to me. Why some of us get to think about Starbucks and our favorite TV shows and others get to battle mental demons all day long. It’s unfair. It’s a gross, wild, crazy, tragic privilege. And we shouldn’t forget it. Take some time to think on that as you go through your week. How would your day today be different if you didn’t have this privilege? What would it mean to your job if you were living with open wounds? What would it mean for your family? What would it mean for your ability to leisurely read this post? I hope you’ll think on it and share it for others to consider as well. See you next week.
What does “privilege” mean to you?
A year ago today, I posted about grief on the first anniversary of my grandfather’s death. My family received many of the blessings below and today felt like the right time to share that post again. The current list starts with one very important addition that someone shared in the comments of the original post. I’d love your help in making this list even better. Please share your thoughts if you see something missing. There will never be a shortage of grieving souls to serve.
5 Ways to Serve a Grieving Soul
- Allow them to grieve on their own terms. As one reader explained, “There is no set time frame when someone should no longer grieve. There is no specific way. It is important to listen and respect their grief process.” I’d also add to not try to make their grief process look like your own. What worked for you, may not work for them.
- Fill in the gaps of their life. Picture the person grieving as a large rock in a glass jar. The glass jar represents their life before the loss. The people that are supporting them during the initial phase of loss (before and directly after the funeral) are the sand that will be poured in the jar until it is full. This image is important because it will help guide you on how to serve them. They will need help with basic tasks like having meals available, getting space to rest appropriately, and handling a number of routine chores that inevitably seem hard to focus on. An example of this would be to make sure any pets they might have are taken care of or filling their prescriptions. Look for gaps and fill them in. It is likely you will have to identify and suggest the areas to serve for them. At this stage, they may be too numb and detached to ask for help.
- Help them re-frame what “doing better” looks like. As the grief process moves along, the intense periods of sadness and despair tend to become less frequent but the intensity of the grief (once it reappears) can be the same or stronger. This can be alarming to the person in grief as they “thought they were getting better.” Be there to remind them that these episodes of intense sadness are normal and that longer time between episodes is a sign they are “getting better”.
- Share your joy. It is a human instinct to heal the soul. Grieving people aren’t sad by choice; they want to feel better. Don’t be afraid to share happy stories or engage them in fun activities. Check in to make sure you are doing that respectfully and on a pace they feel comfortable with, but actively try to show them the counterpoint to grief. Love and enjoy them.
- Commit to a longer healing process. You never get over losing a person you love so in some ways grief is never done. I’ve talked to many people that have experienced significant periods of grief and it is clear that the one-year mark tends to be viewed as a disappointing milestone. Many consciously or subconsciously assumed that they would feel better adjusted after a year had gone by. It was a reasonable assumption as they had gotten through all the “first” holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries. What they often found was that the second year (and the second set of holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries) were even more bitter because they had expected to feel better by then. They also found themselves with less support as people had assumed they’d gotten them through the hardest part already. Make a commitment to stay very present and supportive for a minimum of two years (and likely even longer).
What would you add?
“Work is hard. Distractions are plentiful. And time is short.”
- Adam Hochschild
The first week of January is when many people start their New Year with new goals to eat better and/or eat less. Conventional wisdom tells us that if our goal is to lose weight one key component to success will be to focus on taking in less calories. Resisting high calorie and high fat foods helps reach the goal of weight loss. But what if our goal isn’t to lose weight? What if our goal is to start listening to our calling? We may need to go on a “distraction diet”.
The 10 questions below are meant to help you assess your current level of focus. It will also help you identify energy drains or distractions that may be impeding your progress against goals. As you answer each question make sure to remind yourself that the answer will only be known by you (unless you choose to tell someone). Being honest with yourself will help you identify the things you want more of and the things you want less of. You may also want things to stay just as they are. They are only “distractions” if you’d rather be focused elsewhere.
Are you distracted?
- How focused am I on my purpose?
- Laser focused: I spend almost all my free time thinking about my purpose and working on specific goals.
- Locked and loaded: I spend a significant amount of my free time thinking about my purpose and working on specific goals.
- In pursuit: I think about my purpose frequently and occasionally find time to set and work on specific goals.
- All thoughts, no action: I think about my purpose occasionally but am rarely able to set goals or take steps toward them.
- Fully distracted: I can barely find any time to think about my purpose and have no goals to act upon.
- Do I want to be more focused on my purpose than I currently am?
- Do I have enough mental energy to think about my purpose?
- If less distracted, could I make enough time in my life to plan goals?
- If less distracted, could I make enough time in my life to act upon my goals?
- Are there relationships in my life that use up time/energy I’d rather spend on my goals?
- Are there leisure activities in my life that use up time/energy I’d rather spend on my goals?
- How much time a day would I like to use for taking in information (news, social media, reading online articles, etc.)?
- What percentage of the information that I take in daily can be used towards my goals?
- How much do I want to increase the daily time I allocate towards information gathering and action items related to my goals?
What questions would you add to this list?
This post is not for those of you that have a New Year’s resolution in mind already. It is meant for people that do not plan to make a resolution, yet still want to reflect on and shape the year ahead. If that is you, I suggest making a pledge instead. A New Year’s pledge reflects the beliefs and commitments that will guide your next year of life. Pledges don’t prescribe specific actions, but they do convey specific intentions. Below is an example of a New Year’s pledge. This example is especially helpful if you hope to serve more (or better) next year. See you in 2015!
Sample New Year’s Pledge
“This year, I will pay close attention to the things I enjoy and make me feel alive. I will take notice of those things especially if I do them better than most. I will properly recognize those things as God-given gifts. I will not diminish my gifts with false humility nor by trivializing them to be merely individual passions, hobbies or personality traits. I will see my gifts as rare and special and given to me on purpose. I will frequently remind myself that “to whom much is given, much is expected.” I will honor God by finding ways to use my unique gifts to help others and to better this world. My good intentions will result in tangible actions and not just thoughts or words. I will use my gifts more this year than I used them last year.”
Please feel free to share this sample pledge broadly and to share your pledge with those you trust. Sharing increases your commitment. Happy New Year!